i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
