i would punch a child for taco bell
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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