Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'm really busy with my period
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