i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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