god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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