i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
