Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
