Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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