i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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