Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
