Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
