The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize