I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
