Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
