remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize