how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
