I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
