Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
