I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
