wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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