They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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