im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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