Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
