Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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