I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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