im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Small penises have feelings too.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
