Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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