I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
