That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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