i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
