Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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