Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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