It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
