I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
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