she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
