legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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