drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
