then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
