Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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