ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
