my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
