i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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