So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
