if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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