Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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