Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
