paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just gift wrapped bread.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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