i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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