mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
