I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
