Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
