im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
