I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
