I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
