he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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