I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
