We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
