I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
