Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im holly from the hills drunk
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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