You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I feel great
I just peed on a car
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
