I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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