I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
