i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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