Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize