1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
