Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
