A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize