There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize