i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
