I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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