i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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