sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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